Why a Long Engagement is the Cat's Pajamas

Choosing to have a long engagement, no matter the reason, can often bring a lot of interesting responses from what many would call 'The Peanut Gallery'. Hard to believe, but it seems, engagements over 12 months just get a bad rap.

It's true that in 2010, the average length of engagement was 15 months, but recent studies by weddingbells.ca are showing the average length has climbed back to 18 months (and 24 days to be exact). Of course, for those who have trouble remembering how to do math (as I do many days), an 18 month average means there are many 2 years engagements, or even longer, as well as many shorter than 18 months. So first, let's acknowledge that there is nothing out of the ordinary about our choice. (P.S. For any young women reading this post, feeling like everyone is getting married but them, another worthwhile statistic from the study is that the average age of an engaged woman in 2012 is 29 - quite a change!)

So, with this information in mind, lets hear from the peanuts:

Can't you move the wedding up? 'So-and-so' might be dead.

'So-and-so' may not be living nearby anymore.

'So-and-so' may have another commitment.

You're planning already? But you have two years!

You've already been together for 5 years, why on Earth do you need to wait for 2?

Doesn't it bother you that people will get engaged and married before you do?

Phew. Heavy.

Well let's deal with the first elephant in the room - although we are excited about those we want to share the day with us, it is still our day first. Yes, it is disconcerting to think someone might be dead by the time we get married. And yes, it will be awful if someone is unable to make the day because they have passed on. But let's be honest - anyone could die tomorrow. Is that just cause for us to get married right this instant? Who knows what the future holds. It doesn't seem right that we should adjust what we feel is best for an unknown.

And hey, once you get past potential death, the other two so-and-so's (those being the living nearby's and the other commitments) are almost laughable. I would say, those reasons are the PERFECT reason for a 2-year engagement. Now we're giving our guests plenty of notice so that, should they need to move, they will have over a year to make arrangements/savings/etc to visit the old stompin' ground around the wedding. It should also give them time to plan around those other commitments, and figure out some options.

My other favourite elephant - the envy elephant. Does it bother me that others are getting engaged and married before me? Are you kidding? Does it bother you that someone has a birthday before yours every year? I'm thrilled to see our friends and others close to us getting engaged, and a marriage is always happy, no matter whether mine has happened yet or not. My day will come, and I hope everyone will be happy for me too - so why wouldn't I be thrilled for their milestone?

And finally, as mentioned in a previous blog, as far as waiting to plan because we've got the time...that seems crazy to me. Starting planning now, gives me these great benefits:
1) Definite choice of date for my venue
2) Ability to work at the plans in easy chunks, read: months to work on invitations, rather than one late night over wine with girlfriends
3) SALES! Hello 2 Boxing Days, 2.5 summers of garage sales, and months upon months of 40% off coupons at Michael's (plus dress clearance sales, including Kleinfeld's, whose annual blow-out features dresses as low as $499)
4) Lots and lots of Bridal Shows leading to lots and lots of contest entries
5) Sure I've been stressed over venue, but time means that this 3-4 month delay on a venue doesn't cause the entire plan to roll into a schmozzle, because I've got buffer room.
6) Lots of time to sit back and enjoy being engaged
7) Lots of time to be okay getting aggravated and taking a hiatus from planning
8) The ability to DIY and craft elements like there's no tomorrow. And I can pick big crafts too. It's a little exciting.
9) Some vendors are willing to lock you in to the price they are advertising in that year. So, if I book something now, I am paying the 2012 price, versus whatever their mark-up is in 2 years' time.
10) An ability to ask lots of people with lots of amazing talent for help/support on the big day
11) An ability to seek out friends with amazing talent for help/support on the big day (jks)

One good point that has been presented to me is the risk of changing my mind. This one does worry me as I am an indecisive person. What keeps me sane is that the image for this day has been with me since I started assisting on weddings about 4 years ago. The only changes are those needed to fit what is possible in this climate and price range. Indecisive as I am, if I've held it this long, I'm hopeful it's not going to change too drastically in the coming years.

Time flies when you're having fun, and even moreso when you're making plans (that's why they always tell you not to wish away your life...spend too much time thinking about tomorrow, and today is gone in a flash). Two years to go may seem like an eternity to some, but with the first 8 months of my engagement already gone, an eternity is an understatement. Not to mention, eternity is the time I plan to spend with Jeff, not the time I plan to spend planning it - 2 years compared to a lifetime together is nothing. At least in my book.

Venuequest

If you've hung around me at all in the last month or two, you will know that I am feeling "a little pressure" to find a venue.

Even with two years ahead of us, I'm keen on booking the venue now, so that I can continue my planning process. I intend to work away at each planning element with a suitable chunk of time to limit stress and worry closer to the day. Hopefully, optimizing my time will also help me find some good deals. And even more importantly, with a few guests on our list coming from overseas, nailing down a venue will mean a Save-the-Date for them that allows for time to save and plan, so that they might actually be able to attend, rather than feeling like it was a courtesy invite.

Now let's talk about the pressure :)

As with anyone planning a wedding, no matter the time frame, I set goals for myself of when I wanted things done by, and I really had expected to have a venue by the summer. Clearly, it's the end of summer - minor heart palpitation.

The next major issue here is venue overload. Who knew that finding a venue in a budget well below the national average that is not your parents' backyard would be so complicated. I was certain that our campy/country vision would equal some rustic venues. To me, rustic also means, generally, a lower price. It turns out, this isn't entirely the case.

I started my mission with about 3 venues in mind. In fact, Mama D and I went to visit one of the 3 earlier in the summer, but I wasn't entirely sold on their hall (especially considering I was hoping for an outdoor wedding...halls weren't really high on my list of likes). As I started looking through the venues, I started to feel the weight of our budget on my shoulders. So, I put on my brave face, and kept searching.

My dear wedding planning amie, Danielle, sent me a handful to look over, and Jeff even spent a night Googling venues, leaving me 6 to look at that he was interested in. I did a Google search on inexpensive venues and came up with probably 6 more.

Now, for those thinking about their own venues, let me just share some important wedding planner advice (you know, the type that I don't pay much attention to when I'm planning my own wedding) - try not to look at more than 3 venues at a time. If you do, you will experience venue overload as I did. Seeing as I was now staring 15 venues in the face.

I decided that with so many venues, the best approach was to create a comparison chart. I listed each venue across the top, and down the side included things like Ceremony cost, whether set-up was included, whether they allow a bonfire, self-catering, if the hall is accessible, etc.

About another 3 venues into the chart, I had a full-blown panic attack.

Here I was, looking at venues that, at first look, appear to be inexpensive options, but when you get down to it, they are still far beyond our budget.

Was I insane to think that we could do this wedding for half the national average? Am I ever going to find a venue? Is the fact that I can't find a venue a sign of something? (Yep, I over think things THAT much). I tried getting out of the apartment, a change of scenery, and sat in the nearby schoolyard for half an hour. I didn't feel any better. I came into the apartment, Jeff asked if he could help, and I lost it again.

Who do I talk to? Jeff wants me to be happy so would likely tell me to just change the budget to fit the venue. There are some people who would likely tell me to set my expectations even lower in a venue, or to accept the backyard wedding that I'm trying to avoid. I needed to talk to someone who could convince me that this wedding was possible, with the right venue, and on my chosen budget.

Enter Andrea: my absolute closest gal pal of the last 7 years or so, and someone who will likely be embarrassed to be named in this post. But, Andrea has been busting her butt for me for about 3 weeks now, and I owe her the world. When people meet her at our wedding, I want them to be able to nod knowingly at how awesome of a friend she is.

I gave her a call, and she let me come over and ramble on about the venue dilemma. She had already been working through my chart (her offer) when I first hit overload, including contacting many of the venues for their pricing to save me the hassle. While I whined and moaned on her couch and snuggled her puppies, Andrea was clicking away, looking up even more venues on her iPad. I couldn't even get her to stop! When I left, she very kindly offered to continue searching, and contacting venues, and that she would send them over to me only once she had confirmed that they were 100% within my budget. This would, of course, save me the gut-wrenching feeling of falling in love with a venue, only to discover they were twice my budget. Or the mind-numbing pain of flipping through venue after venue, and not really remembering why one is better than the other.

What a lifesaver huh? And to top it all off, she just got engaged and is planning her own wedding for next summer! I can never re-pay her for spending this amount of time helping me resolve this issue.

So, let's conclude the talk on Venuequest.

The way I see it, there is always going to be one thing in the planning process that makes you want to tear your hair out, lose your mind, flip off the world, and say "F*** it, we're eloping".

But, surround yourself with the right people, be willing to ask for help when you need it, and you will find your way through that one thing and on to the wedding of your dreams.

If nothing else, Andrea (and all the others who have helped on Venuequest thusfar) has helped me to remember that people just want to see us happy, in love, and married. Everything else is just stuff.

Location, location, location

Time sure flies these days! I'm fairly certain the wonderful summer weather doesn't help - days and nights are packed with things to do before the snow flies again, causing the days to rush by even faster.

It seems like only days ago we were brainstorming a vision for this wedding, and fielding concerns about waiting until 2014 for the big day. And like lightning, 6 months have already passed since the proposal!


Although it only feels like baby steps, here's what has transpired in the past months:

1) Guest List - We've combined lists offered to us by each of our families, as well as our own individual lists. Although the list is larger than we had hoped, we aren't worrying about narrowing it down just yet. People often joke about the guest list, and how hard it is to control, and I can definitely support that. Our plan has been to keep our list around 100 - something that feels a bit more intimate, but is still a big enough crowd for a good party. But it seems that as we developed our lists, names flew freely, and before we knew it, our list passed 200 people. Clearly, there will be some decisions to make before invites!

2) Wedding Party - We've discussed our picks with one another, although waiting until closer to the date to finalize our decisions. This one has also proven harder than imagined - at least for me. Jeff seemed to have his all pre-planned. There's just so many bytes of wisdom on wedding parties out there that serve to complicate and confuse me. "Be sure to have people you know will be around forever...will your children know their names at 10 years old?"; "Family over friends"; "Pick people who will put in the time to support your wedding"; "Choose someone who can handle drama, and the stress of a wedding day"; "Find someone who has been part of a wedding before". Seriously? Can I just focus on the first one? How exactly will I know they will be around forever? Futures change all the time! And now I have to find a friend that I am certain my kids will know the name of to be a bridesmaid? Ugh. It's hard enough having to pick just a few people out and not feel like someone will be upset, but throw in these little tidbits and I start to wonder whether it's possible to pick a bridesmaid, period.

3) Wedding Dress Contest - On a whim, I wrote a short paragraph about Jeff and I, and became a finalist in a contest to win a $5,000 wedding dress from Kleinfeld NYC. If you haven't seen it, the video we later had to submit is posted here. We spent a month seeking out votes, and earning outstanding support from friends, family, and complete strangers. Although we finished in 7th place overall, we averaged about 100 votes per day and were overwhelmed by the support. And luckily, I now have one more fun element to include in the wedding day!

4) Colours - Jeff and I grabbed some paint chips from the local hardware store and attached them to a sheet of paper. In total, we have 7 combinations at the moment that visitors to our apartment are voting on in an effort to help us pick a colour scheme for the decor, dresses, etc. Colours include neutral/pastels, pinks and blues, orange and greys, an emerald green and silver, and an ocean blue and silver. Colours, interestingly, are also a fun challenge - is this combo suitable for an early fall/late summer wedding? Will this colour look good on bridesmaid dresses or will it make people look pale/sickly? What flowers are available to suit this colour scheme? Will these colours fade into the background? Thus, the reason I am holding a vote. Let the popular majority narrow it down, instead of the brain of this over-analyzer. Perhaps I will even have the vote narrow it to 3 and then just close my eyes and pick one.

5) Engagement Photos - We have gotten our plans together to snap some engagement photos during the coming long weekend. As big campers, and with Jeff's love of fishing, we figured it would be appropriate to take our photos while out camping! Our dear friend Jacqueline Dudley has offered to snap the shots for free, which is great as I have likely spent too much money on the outfits. Can't wait to report back on the photos - what was fun and special about the day, as well as sharing some shots. You'd be amazed how many tips also exist in the interwebs for engagement photos - bring one casual outfit and one dressier outfit. Consider patterns. Go timeless. Wear extra make-up. And then of course, there are the thoughts that just run through my nervous brain: Should I get fake nails so that they don't all look broken and chipped as usual? Since my roots are coming in, do I go back to my natural colour, or continue with the lighter option? How exactly will I do my hair and make-up on a campsite?

6) Venue Visit #1 - Finally, yesterday, after a brief appointment in Peterborough, Mom and I decided to fill the rest of the afternoon by checking out a potential venue. Unfortunately, a few months back when I called my first choice venue, I found out that they weren't planning to do weddings after this summer. A bit of a bummer, and something that put me into limbo, until...

I realized that the place we are going camping this weekend, and shooting our engagement photos at, also does weddings. It's not the glammiest of places, but glam isn't what we are looking for. We are looking for outdoors, and able to support our country/camping vibe. We are looking for a place on a lake, with wooded areas, and the ability to have a bonfire. Top those needs off with a hope to stay close to Peterborough, and our list becomes limited. Luckily, yesterday's visited venue met the basic needs plus having the ability to house guests on campsites, or in cottages. There are some logistical concerns and we are waiting on a pricing breakdown, but it's at least a start. According to Wedding Planner wisdom, if it costs right, and the logistics are able to be worked around with a few simple adjustments, the key is...can you picture your wedding here? Check out the view in the photo and tell me what you think - can I? You bet I can! Of course, when planning my own wedding though, I forget that bit of wisdom and focus in on whether other people will be impressed, and the logistics start to worry me. So, there's a little to get over, but the first hump is for Jeff to see it and share his thoughts too. Baby Steps.

Fingers are crossed because once I nail down the venue, I can start thinking about my crafting projects and I'm hoping they will distract me from all of the nerves about the aforementioned elements!

Much love!

Engaged Bliss

Today actually marks 2 months since the last entry here and what a couple months of brainstorming it has been!

I must say that I am really enjoying this time.

As hard as it is to believe, Jeff seems to be alright with it also :)

We don't talk about the wedding every day - with 2 1/2 years to go, that would just be silly. But, we do talk about it at least once a week. In fact, last week over dinner, Jeff asked me to draw him a picture of the wedding day vision I have in my head. We have a whiteboard on our fridge for grocery lists and important to-do's, so I got up, drew a birds-eye view of a venue I like, and as if teaching a class, walked him through everything. As with most of our talks, this led us into discussions about sunset ceremonies, dancing, cocktail hour, whether or not to do a first look, and much more. We're both really excited about the ideas we've discussed (some have been total busts though too) and are looking forward to putting these ideas to work, slowly, and without stress, over the next two years.

From time to time I will get a little anxious - when you're brainstorming, sometimes it just feels like you're lost in a sea of ideas. How do you know which ones you really like? How will we make all the ones we like work well together?

Regardless, it's fun learning what each of us does and doesn't like and we have had so much fun laughing together about silly wedding stuff. I've learned that even though I am a huge fan of lace in my wedding dress, most of the lace dresses in magazines remind Jeff of doilies (psh, men). I've learned that even though Jeff says he wants a small wedding, he is more likely to balloon our list to 200, while I struggle to hold it around 100.

This time has also given us more opportunities to talk in depth about our hopes and dreams for the future at large; To plan out a hugely extravagant, out of our budget, honeymoon of our dreams that we can think about cutting back on later; To have great heart-to-hearts on our values and beliefs; and, most simply, to just love each other.

Jeff has gotten down on his knee and told me that I am the one person he wants to spend his life with. I (although in an embarrassingly high pitched tone) have accepted his ring and told him that I want to spend my life with him. As Ben said to Courtney (despite the groans that rang out across America) 'You are my forever' (ps, I wrote that on our whiteboard that night in big fancy handwriting. In the morning, Jeff had erased his name, and in a different colour written mine, and added 'too' at the end. Yep, that's how corny we are). For those of you who made it through that without feeling nauseous, my point is, that we have been vulnerable with each other, yet agreed to accept each other, flaws and all. It makes loving each other so much sweeter when you have that feeling of complete and utter acceptance.

Along with all of this joy comes the plans to document said joy through engagement photos. A good friend of ours has already offered her services for this purpose, which we are thrilled about. Not only does it help our budget, as she is taking the shots purely for experience, but having a friend (whose photos I love, by the way) take the shots, makes you feel much more at ease that they're going to truly be able to let your love shine through in the images.

Our only challenge: I view e-photos as the chance to showcase your love and what makes you, as a couple, unique. It's the time when you get to let your goofy hang out. When the wedding photos come around, often the best you get is the jumping in the air shot - engagement is when you get to really show you. But what makes us unique?

Seriously, this is a stumbling block for us. We've tossed around a few ideas, and at the very least, we know we will take these photos in the summertime, when weather shouldn't get in the way of our planned shoot. But, what photos should we take to showcase us?

I'm turning it over to you! Post in the comments below answers to any of the following:

1) What makes us, as a couple, unique?

2) How do you describe us to other people?

3) Where should we do our photos (describe a setting)?

4) What are some specific photos we should have in our collection (ex: activities we should be doing in the photo, poses we should use, etc)?

5) How nauseous were you when I talked about being vulnerable and accepting each other? :)

Money, money, money

Jeff and I have, to the dismay of others, set the goal of paying for our wedding without any assistance from either of our families.

For those who have been wondering about our wedding date (on the Details page - Fall 2014), that's part of the reason why - money.

Budgeting is never a problem for me, but figuring out good ways to cutback and/or save usually is.

Here's what we've got so far:
1) A penalty jar - things like, whenever we call each other boyfriend or girlfriend, $2 goes in the jar
2) Cutting back on 'excursions'...go for a monthly date instead and save up for it
3) Limit our travel - this one will be tough but with the dream of a great honeymoon as our light at the end of the tunnel, we think we can spend the next 2 1/2 years doing short weekend trips to places within driving distance.
4) Run a betting pool - going for a 50/50 split of profits with the winner, we'll take bets on things such as 'How many times will we threaten to elope?'; 'How long will Jeff's speech last?'; so on and so forth. Name your bet here or on Facebook and we'll try to get others in the pool with you!
5) And of course, old faithful, regular deposits in our T.F.S.A.

All the same, I'm still anxious about saving enough and so, turn to you, our friends and family for tips and suggestions. What did you do to save for/pay for your big day? If you haven't had a big day, what do you think might work?

Thanks for the support!

The Proposal

So, how did he do it?

Luckily, I have a video to explain that!

First, some details...

Jeff and I were planning a week's vacation to Cancun on January 4th to celebrate his 30th birthday the week before. Jeff has never been a fan of birthday parties so taking him away to celebrate seemed like a better option.

Friends and family were still invited to join us. My mom, dad, and younger sister, Amanda, all jumped on the offer. They, however, would be on a separate flight, set to arrive 4 hours after ours in Cancun.

In November, after nearly 5 years together, Jeff and I went to try on rings. My favourite style ended up being what my mom classified as "Dainty". I reminded Jeff that if he was thinking of buying one, he would still have to go through...(cue ominous music)....my father.

We went to my parents', in my hometown 2 1/2 hrs away, just before my birthday. Jeff didn't talk to my dad.

We went home for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I asked Jeff if he wanted some space to talk to my dad. He told me he was waiting until Cancun when he could get a few drinks in my dad (who by the way, goes from Grizzly to Teddy after a Mexican Flag or two).

I convinced myself that I was waiting until the summer. Of course, Jeff knew that it wouldn't be that long. But I'm glad he threw me off the scent!

Jump forward, to the morning of January 4th. We arrive at the airport to discover there are no seats left together on the plane. Bummer! Our two options are an aisle seat and a middle seat behind it, or two aisle seats, me in front, and Jeff behind. We jump on the second option, recognizing that I could turn and talk to my sweetie much easier this way. I'm sure inside, Jeff was doing a 'thank goodness' dance of his own.

Cue plane ride.

We befriend a fellow in the seat across the aisle from Jeff. I forgot my gum and my ears suck on plane rides so he offers to share his (gum, not ears) - and so the plane relationship grows.

No in-flight movies really tickle my fancy. Instead, I read, with the flight tracker on the screen in front of me. As we start to cross the Gulf of Mexico, I get tired of reading, and plug in my iPod. I'm still a little fidgety though and music is not enough, so I start fiddling with an app I've had for a while - 24/7 Spanish Tutor (might as well spend the last hour brushing up on my phrases!). I remind Jeff one more time that if he goes to the washroom, can he bring me some tissue, as I am starting to develop a sinus cold.

I'm not sure how much time passes but as I'm working away on my Spanish, our friend with the gum walks past me, and turns. I realize he has a camera and seems to be taking a picture. I figure it's of the people in Jeff's row, just behind me, as they'd been speaking earlier - but he seems to also be smiling at me. I give him a creeped out look under my eyebrows.

Then, Jeff appears beside me. I believe his words were 'I have a gift for you'. 'Finally, my Kleenex', I think. But alas, he never did bring me a Kleenex.

Instead, Jeff kneels beside me in the aisle. I give him a death stare, because, although Jeff is incredibly shy and hates talking in front of people, and there are lots of people around us, I am convinced that he is, once again, mocking the fact that I'm waiting for a proposal. I don't hear what he's saying. Instead, I keep thinking 'Get out of the aisle before you piss off a stewardess'.

Then, I see the Tiffany's box.

"I love you, I've loved you for a long time". Embarassingly, I don't hear much else as I'm having a panic attack in the cup of my hands. I don't even remember if he actually asked me to marry him (which my sister will mock me about until we're 80, I am sure).

He opens the box. I kiss him, and shaking, put the ring on my finger.

And that's basically the story of our proposal. A few people clapped. Most were oblivious to what just happened on their flight though. And that's okay, because I realized very quickly that, just like Jeff, I wasn't a huge fan of all the attention anyway.

Once my tears stop, I poke my head around the seat and whisper 'I'm gonna kill you'. He smiles back at me and says 'I love you too. I'm glad that's over.'

Video Disclaimer: It is hard to hear over the jet engines and that whining noise that sounds like crying, it's just the engines too. I swear.